So yea i don't feel like dealing with my family today...

I dont think i can....
So yesturday i was woken up by my older sister Erica, and so she told me she was on her way to pick up my father from jail. I just staired at her for a very long time, so long  that she must have thought i was in a open-eyed coma lol. Truth? is that i was so stunned by her news that my mind went blank for a couple minutes. After she left i walked and cleaned around the house like an obsessed zombie wanting blood lol ( dont take much into my metaphor) Anyway by the time i was finished he had arrived home and i was upstairs. I herd him downstairs and i started to hyperventalate. I had to grab all of my courage and strength from i dont know where to make it down those stairs and look my father of 17 years in the eye; to walk towards him while processing wat he was telling me; to hug him and say "yes dad i forgive you and what you did" and not even know if i did; to hear him cry and tell me things ive herd before and more; to listen to him talk about the night he left. I was so overwhelmed that i let him go, put a smile on and went upstairs to cry silently away from the world and everyone in it. I dont think i can ever forgive my father for telling me what he did. i just can't. It's hard to. He hurt me real bad that night and that hurt did not go away nor do i think it will ever go away. My family will never understand, they dont see how words can be deathly rocks of power that if thrown hard can damage a person in more ways then one. Sometimes i get the urge to shout "what do i do?", "How can i go through this and keep standing?" But i know that nothing will shout back an answer. i wish it would though.

(no subject)

Hello there!
So this funny thing happend today, i got a messege from this girl who i use to be friends with telling me quote
"can u please delete those pix ofme on ur myspace likemy bday and stuff? we r no longer friends or anything so if u culd dothat iwuld ly appreciate it. i dont want them on there. thnks." (mind you, she was telling me not asking. as if she owned me or anything on my-space. because i mean last time i checked it was indeed MY_ SPACE!!!) .  I mean at first one would think oh yea this girls is being totally respectful and trying not to cause drama right?
Not so fast... You are mistaken. This girl feeds off drama, as some that know her have come to understand. See, many things have happend with said girl over the past 2 years that i have known her. And trust me, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. THIS GIRL KNOWS HOW TO MINIPULATE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, WRAP THEM AROUND HER TINY FINGER? (SHES SHORT "4 FEET"!! LMAO). Anyway so let me tell you a little bit about me, im one of THE NICEST people you could EVER meet!, which intitles me to being a pushover. With that said said girl took advantage of that (not that she only did it with me!). Anyway, so yea i let this bitch minipulate me all the years i've known her. She minipulated others as well but anyways, she devious and cunning, and she knows wat to say so she'll look like the hurt one and you'll look like the complete ASS she wants you to feel like. Trust me at first i thought she was cool and a nice person but later on i found out the hard way that she isnt said such. And to be honest im one of those people that will give and give and continue to give to the people around me. And you know what? it hurt that she took advantge of that too. UGH!!! it annoys me that i still let her get under my skin! Ya know? im not a person to say much of wat im feeling cuz ive becom that kindof person over the years do to my famliy issuse and things like that. I thought i could relate to this girl, n we did but you know what? she just isnt a person for friends like me. I dont even think that shes a person for friends! but thats just me. All though im pretty sure she knows she isnt. Anyway... She will never understand me and i will never understand her...actually scratch that i do understand her, Her and her stupid, annoying, sorry excuse of a person! 
I dont hater her or anything and i dont wish her bad cuz im not that person and everyone that knows me, knows that im not. On the other hand she is the type that would say wat i just said and not mean it cuz she wants to look like a good person in front of people always. Its funny i sensed that about her and i never voiced it out loud until now cuz the way i am. I can be a lil stubborn ( my fathers genes lol) and so i could feel that she was the way she was but i never said or did anything about it until well 2 months ago wen i cut off everything with said girl. And boy am i glad i did.

But anyways thanx readers for letting me vent!!! Until next time byess!


(no subject)
So last night up to this morning i guess lol i talked with an old friend i guess you could say. I missed him so much. I was so glad that we talked cuz i was able to ask him for advice and talk to him about wats been going in my life lately. He made me feel so much better. We had a few laughs and joked around lol. I hope i can get to see him before he leaves to move on in his life.
I can definitely say hes one of my best buds for life. And like anybody, we've had our troubles along the way but to tell you the truth i love him dearly.

Happy Birthday LIL Bro.... *smiles forever*
  So today is my little brother (Christian's) birthday, and hes turning thirteen years old. I know this period is like the first crisis your suppose to go through in your life lol. Your beginning teens. To tell you the truth i feel very scared for him. I mean, me of all people know that my brother isn't a bad person, he just has issues to work out, for example his anger. Middle school can be a "not so happy place" for a kid like that. I'm scared that one day he can lose it and something bad might happen to him. All i can do is prey to God that he'll be fine and that he succeeds. I don't want my dad being in Jail and possibly getting deported to affect him. Him and my dad have always been closer then any of us other siblings were to dad. I mean hes just thirteen, he doesn't know half of the things my dad has done aside from being a raging alcoholic and ex-abuser towards my mother. There have been things I've  recently discovered about my father which sadden me deeply but i will not allow my little brother to ever ever...ever be affected by my father. I don't know if my dad cares about us or about is boose more; i don't know if he's a nice person inside; i don't know if the alcohol and bad doings' hes done in the past have poisoned his heart, but one thing i do know is that you can never truly know a person,.... and in this case i can definitely say that I DO NOT KNOW my father. Guess i never really did but i tried to deny it for so long by just blaming it on the alcohol. And unfortunately my little brother doesn't either.


Last night, or i should say this morning lol.. was awesome!!! i got to hang out with all the guys and Mel. I'm ganna miss her wen she goes back to NJ but i know shes coming back for SENIOR YEAR!!! i'm so excited. It's ganna be a blast for sure. I'm already looking for places and schools. Although im thinking of moving in with my sis for a while until i have enough money and a steady job to get on my own feet. That's still not going to stop me, nothing will...ever.
           With much love and heart to all readers

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School's almost over, and that is such an exciting fact!
I can't wait till that last day, and i become Senior officially.
It's all about new beginnings and endings and experiences from now on

(no subject)
So today we passed out the invites to manus and her sister lauras farewell paty at my house. Let me tell you im both excited but very sad about this, because no matter how much I try not to think about it I know that I have to. Next year I know that it won't be the same without manu there. Im scared for her, because I know what it feels like to start a new year and an important year o fschool alone. Although I know manu is a strong and smart person I can't help it. I lover so mucch, her and laura are like sisters to me, I don't know what im ganna do without them. I know I can always count on nelly, she's also like a sis to me. Im ganna miss her so much though ,after all spain is really really far. I am happy for one thing though, her dad promised to take us up there to visit her so that's a plus!

....Fathers, be good to your daughters
           Daughters will love like you do
                  Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
                          So mothers, be good to your daughters too....
                                                           -"Daughters" by John Mayer

*-* This song by John Mayer is such an inspirational song, in my little opinion. I kept hearing it all day today and it wouldn't get out of my head, when I wasn't even hearing it would still be buzzing in my head. So when i herd it again a little while ago i figured out why this song intrigued me so; it was this very set of verses... When i realized this, I watery eyed pretty bad. I wish that my dad would stop his addiction with alcohol and realize what he's doing, and how it's effecting not only me but my younger brother as well. He's only 12 on the verge of his 13 years, when a teenager crosses a turning point their lives. He's so young and so naive. I wish my father would see that my brother adores him but doesn't exactly realize whats going with Dad. He's been tearing our family since the very beginning of starting a life with my mother. They always say "old habits die hard" but sometimes that excuse gets to an overused point. It astonishes me  to a great deal of how my father can't see or how he doesn't seem to want to see, what's going on. He's been in jail about three times for the same drinking problem, and yet every time he says the same thing..." I want to change, or I'm going to quit because I love you guys"... Lies I see now, always were always will be when it comes to my dad. His "death sentence" has completely consumed him body and mind. I want to... or at least I used to believe one day that he can stop, but that changed a long time ago. I'm done being naive towards not only him but my mother as well. Shes turned so bitter that it's become the worst experience to have a chat or conversation with her anymore. She's angry everyday all day. It's bad enough that I hardly see her, but on top of that she to have your own mother act like your enemy whenever you speak is quite tiring. It's weird how I hear from some friends that their parents caught them doing drugs or drinking or even have sex. They tell me how their parents react and such, but every time I hear them say those things I wonder. I'm a 17 year old girl who has never smoked nor injected illegal drugs, never had sex, and works hard in school to become an Architect/ Interior designer. Funny, isn't that the type of daughter to be proud of? But no, I guess they instead prefer to accuse me of things Ive never done and most certainly never will do. My older sisters Erica and Catalina are now 30 and 28 and are successful women with each a beautiful girl. My Older brother, Will, is a magnificent artist to be and will do awesome. Why can my dad see that? I wonder if he ever thanks God for the children hes been given. As the songs says but I have never been a lover nor will I be a young mother (and by young I mean having a child now or before college). I guess this song affected me so much because it states what I used to wish of my parents up to a while ago. I'll always love them even though they think I don't. =( *-*


Writer's Block: All About My Mother
Who is your favorite mother (the character, not the actress) from television or the movies?
In my opinion, there is one particular mother (character) that i have always admired was Benjamin Button's adoptive mother in the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". I love the fact that this women took this child in without caring what disease he clearly  had, or what he looked like. "This child is a child of God, no matter what" and it was true. She cared for him through all those year that he slowly became younger. Fed and provided shelter for "a Child of God", isn't that what mother are all about? Love and provide for a child? Whether it be hers or not? And God in the end blessed her with a baby girl, what wonders... For all those mothers out there, or soon to be, i know motherhood can be difficult. I may not be one, but i have two older sisters that are mothers and a mother of my own. Let me tell you that i understand it can't be easy but it all pays in the end. And you know when? When they take their first steps, when they say mama for the first time, when they give you that one special smile reserved  for you and only you, when they  say goodbye to go off to college, when they have their kids and ask you for advice. That is when it all pays off, everything you did that day or their whole lives... everything.


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