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So.. i realised this morning that the reason why ive been so out of it lately...truthfully is because i dont have a person to call best friend. I have friends but unfortunately the one person that i feel will understand me or the one person i feel i want to spill my guts isnt there for me. I dont have that person and ive been surpressing those feelings and thoughts for a while now. But truthfully im tired. Im tired of "growing apart". Why do we have to "grow apart"?! What is there to grow apart from?! What fucking changed? I STILL DONT GET IT! I DONT UNSERSTAND! I just need you and i still cant believe it was this easy for you to break our friendship. Why? I was that horrible to you as a friend?! IM SORRY! ← That is something i would and could say to her but A. Would it matter? B. Would she listen and understand? and C. Would it make a difference?

Pressing replay
I press play... I listen to Jason Mraz sing of the details in the fabric. My mind, body and soul lay still. I open up to the memories and feels that all feel synced together in a tangled web...a web. I can see everything so clearly. I can feel it. The laughs of the past echo and virbate through me so fierce and full of joy. I think..what to fill a jar with those laughs, though not all mine still feel like mine. Ripples of sound caused by moments in time that though forgotten, still play...and play...and play... i dont want to let them go. I dont.. but ive lost them. The people that caused those ripples. The laughs that i couldnt keep locked in a jar. I want to replay them forever. Replay them again and again if its all ive got. But why not fix and mend the broken glass? Bring back those laughs. Fill the room, the air, time and space. Make new memories.. i dont want to replay anymore. I want to play new laughs. Can I?

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

What do you do when you feel so alone?..
Do you go back to those people that hurt you?

(no subject)

Forever Young....I want to be forever young :) never lose who you are even when we grow old on the outside. Stay forever young in our hearts :)

(no subject)

Just finished my book "City if Glass", pretty awesome I tell you my friends.. so awesome that its almost 3 in the morning and im hyped up and dont want to go to bed. jeje :)  I love the way a book and take you to places; how it can take you on a ride of imagination so vast it can blow your mines. This world in perticular was so intricately woven together that it came alive in my head, as if I was watching a movie go through my head. But well, all books can be like that and some will take you on different journey's. Sometimes after I finish a book, the world I had in my head stays imprinted for a moment... just hovering and it feels almost as if a part of me ended there, in that story. Idk i guess if I was one of the characters in a play and their curtain just got thrown down on their finished scene... I guess you could say it that way.  Anyway, life my friends, is like a great book; you can easliy get lost in it's pages but  the story will keep going, unfolding like a "yellow brick road" or "a rabbit hole"lol.

Hey there,
Well i realize i have neglected my posting responsibilities lol.... anywho life has been tough lately. There are so many things that im saying "goodbye" to and have already.
Part of the reason why i haven't written has been because i was in the hospital for 4 days last last week, which was Thursaday, Friday,Saturday, and Sunday, under antibiotics and pain meds n i didnt really get a shot to post anything until i was ready to. On the third day of being in the hospital i had to have surgery on the under part of my right arm where i had an infection inside my skin. It was swollen and red and nasty; i couldn't even close my arm without feeling uncomfortable. it was pretty tough being in the hospital. i was there most of the time alone cuz my mom had to take care of chris n vale n work. Also my sisters and brother work as well so they barely even came. It got very depressing to tell you the truth, my friends went to see "Paranormal Activity" without me on friday and that really made me sad, like you guys dont know how sad it made me feel. IT SUCKED MAJOR ASS to be alone that night in the hospital hooked up on meds to keep the pain away and no one but my nurse who came around every hour to check one me. But all i can say is w.e. right? "let it go"? yea w.e. Anyways that friday they were telling me i was to have surgery and since the morning  i couldn't eat anything so on top of everything they starved me and all i could have in my mouth was ice-fricken-cubes grrr. Yea all day that day i was scared out of my mind that i was ganna have surgery n that i was alone for it, manu tried to calm me down but i was scared shitless. But then around 8ish they told me that they were going to push my surgery to Saturday, n so i had to go threw another day of pain pain pain...alone. Luckly though that day i got my phone reconnected and i was able to txt ppl and i finally got to eat too HEAVENNNNN!. Anywho Saturday came around n again i didn't eat up until after my surgery which was like 6ish 7ish. It lasted 3 hours and i had 1 hour in the recovery room before they took me back to my room. i swear it was the strangest feeling waking up, i had no idea where i was n i still had a tube of some kind in my nose and it felt really weird, but i was really out of it n i was still out of it after i got in my room n my sis came from the waiting area to see me. I felt really sore and nauseous but atleast
the pain was a bit better. That day after the surgery my friends gabby made true to her word and came to see me with her little sister, so did crustation and melody. It was nice to see other ppl other then my doctors n my mom to be honest. Anyways after Gabby, Adriana, and Chris left melody stayed the night with me which was cool cuz i wasn't alone and she helped me eat and stuff which really helped n that kinda of made up a little for how sad i felt . Anyway  the next day we woke up n hung out a lil then my nurse came by and changed my bandage which was EXTREMELY PAINFUL, like you have noooooooooooooo idea how painful, but i took the pain....sort of lol.. i actually cried and screamed like a baby. Later on that day my fam n chris came n they let me leave the hospital and that first week was horrible. This week isn't as bad as last week which is ok i guess, school still sucks ass though. Every fucking day it sucks ass. Ive had so much on my mind that its been tough to keep a straight focus on anything. I cant stand it anymore... and today i got possibly the worst new ever. My best friend of 7 years, that moved to Seattle, is leaving to spain finally. I miss her already but now that shes going to spain and the fact thats shes hurting breaks my heart into many many pieces and it hurts me as well. i couldn't believe it wen she told me that she was leaving.... well more that i couldnt believe that her own father would do that to her just to keep her around. I mean maybe im wrong but it just doesn't seem fare and selfish to me. And i feel frustrated and and angry and.....just flat out so SAD like where ur heart kinda hurts, that kinda sad. She told me today n we both cried on the phone which is serious cuz manu hardly cries in front of me or on the phone with me. But we balled our eyes out today n that just sucks.... and i..dont..know... how anything is ganna go down anymore.

I Feel....stuck.
Hugs and Teddy Bears

(no subject)
Well today waz pretty....lets just say "whatever"? lol


So many things have happend its crazy. In my family my dad is gone and probably wont be back... my brother is dating a new girl, her name is Cristina, which is weird considering his ex -wife's name was Kristy but anyway shes nice though i still dont completely trust her, moving on. My brother-n-law is getting out of jail in 2010 n moving with my sister and valentina to Spain ( i guess Spain is my enemy lol). I'm ganna miss them alot. I mean i'm always going to be Vale's Aunty but its ganna be hard to watch her leave off to Spain after being there ever since she was born. Sometimes i feel like a second mother to that little girl lol. Anyways, my other sister is also dating again...her ex love if not else lol, but she looks happy and we all love Lu so its cool, i guess. I just hope that she doesn't move to New Jersey, where he lives  cuz that would break my heart. Moving on... lets see. well my too good friends are dating..i guess? lol. I feel so happy for them, they deserve a little happiness in their lives, and they look so peacefull around each other which makes me happy for them. I'm not ganna lie but sometimes it can get a bit much on my part, to the point where it could be a little "third wheelish" if you will, but i love them non-the-less and wish them all the best whether they end up together or not.

I recently volenteered to be a tutor to little kids at Silver Lakes Elementary which is cool and takes my mind off of school a little bit....school.. as i said before is w.e, nothing really special. Its just someplace i go to everyday just to get away from my house and its emptiness. So far it hasn't been all that exciting. I guess cuz last year was such a blast i keep thinking it'll be that way that i delude myself everyday and just wined up disappointed....Ever since my best friend left it really hasn't felt the same which is a bummer since its senior year :(. this was supposed to be our year n i don't just mean her n me but her me and "the gang's" year. Its so sad that the gang has broken up. And to tell you the truth i new it was going to happen eventually but i guess i didn't expect it to feel so...sad. I miss all the guys, i miss laura, i miss(and i cant believe i'm actually saying this, trust me) nelly. It just all feels so wrong this way. half of me says let everyone go and don't think about it but i do n i cant help it. IT FEELS TOO WEIRD without them, all of them. In some strange universe i know things would be different, but i guess i have to face the music and get with this world, right? and with knowing that, i still feel the way i do, and since i cant really talk about it, that's what makes it all the worse..lol wow.
Anyway, things are changing, people are changing, the world is changing, the future is changing..everyday...
I swore that i was ganna try my best this year to make it a good one, go to all the events as a proud senior  but now i don't feel that same drive and its so sad cuz i wanted to do everything my sisters didn't really get to experience in their high school year, and i'm not doing them.
i was ganna go to homecoming and run for queen but i guess it just didn't seem like it was ganna be all that fun for me since the people i talk to more everyday aren't ganna go which is ok since i get their reasons but still it makes me sad in a way. Some part of me tells me to just go and try to have fun and who knows? maybe meet new people. Or even just enjoy for a little while lol.
You know sometimes i think  that this year really sucks and its not ganna get better, but then i hit myself cuz i forget that i have good friends that i love with my heart and that are  with me everyday...but hey i still can't deny how i feel, you know? lol
But even though i miss my best friend, my sister in every way; every single minute of every day and always will, i know i have to try to keep my head up high and focus on this year and my responsibilities as a graduate to be. I have to try to make it through and walk that stage with pride even though my father wont be there and maybe manu wont either. Mel and all of us will stride towards our future, though it may not seem so certain for either of us, i send my hope out to  God and hope that he hears me.

Until next time readers,

School... = (
So school starts tomorrow... i have mixture of feelings in my belly right now!
I'm nervous for my classes and im anxious to see people...
I can't believe this is my final year in high school. Its starting to get really scary right now lol almost too overwhelming.
To tell you guys the truth i kinda crumbled under the stress and the year hasn't even started, well in a few hours it will lol.
I'm just trying to focus and be strong ya know?
I have faith and hope that this year will be a good one....but im still incredibly nervous = /

Here are my classes for the year (as of now)..

1st Semester:

2nd Semester:


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So i just finished watching the teen choice awards and like wow i must comment!!!!! lol
1* Sean Kingston's performance was bad ass!!
2*Robert looked HOT!!!!
4*The stage looked sooooooooo cool
5*Hugh Jackson looked like one of the hottest Aussie's i've ever seen..
6*Ashley greens dress was super duper pretty
7*Loved Miley's new song and performance
8*... and i want my hair as long as hers lol
9*I thought it wass total bogus when Zack Efron won the best comedian male or something .>:(
10*shhhhhhh I secretley wish that i was one of the girls that Nick Jonas hugged lol not anymore a secret l haha
11*Robert looked HOT!!!!!
12*I loved Selena Gomez's whole look... from the hair to the dress to the shoes!!!!
13*I cant believe Kat Von Dee went BLOND!!!!!!!
14*I think Kim Kardashion looks pretty Blondish
15*I wish they shaved off Joe's hair for real!!!!!
16*I think it was great Britney Spears received the "ultimate choice" award ( i think it was called that...)
17*The Jonas brothers little brother is the cutest kid i've ever seen lol
18*I didnt know that Ed Westwick was British?????!!!!!
19* Ed Westwick is SUPER DUPER SMOKEN!!!!!
20*Chace Crawford looked really cute at the awards lol
21* The Black Eye Peas performance didnt sound all that great live ....even though i love the song
22*i want a surf board!!!
23* #1<- on my bucket list is to learn how to surf!!!!
24*i think Ashley Tisdales hair looked dirty and greasy for some reason
25*one thing i did like about the black eye peas performance was when they came down on the surf boards  (TOTALLY WANT TO TRY THAT ONE DAY!!!!!)
26* Robert looked HOT!!!!!!!
27*Me n my sister cata think that Zack Efron is copying the Robert pattinson hair!!!!!!! He cant pull it off muuaaahahahahahahahaa
27*i though britney was ganna perform :( bummer
28*Strangely i liked Kristin Stewarts dress : )
29*I think i might die my hair to either black or blondish like Kim Kardashion
30* WOWOWOWOWOWOW "30" comments lol im tired hahaha well lets seee for this last one !!!!ROBERT PATTINSON LOOKED HAWWWWWWWWWWWT!!!!!!!!..... nuf said my friends